Soft Skills

Assert Yourself Right

The way company personnel communicate with each other makes all the difference between efficiency and ineptitude, success and failure. While communication has numerous representations in workplace, being assertive holds the key. But being assertive is often confused with being aggressive. Express Hospitality tries to clear the cloud.

Humans communicate in order to share knowledge and experiences. Communication is as much matter of human relationships as it is of transferring facts. Common forms of communication, as we know it, include sign language, speaking, writing, gestures, and broadcasting. Communication can be interactive, transactive, intentional, or unintentional; it can also be verbal or nonverbal. But it can vary considerably in form and style under different circumstances and emotions.

Today, the most common requirement in work places is assertive communication, which is often confused with aggressive communication. Let's look closely at the differences among assertive and aggressive communication, and assertive and non-assertive communication.

The assertive style

Assertive communication lets the person you are speaking with know what's on your mind, how you feel about something or what you want to do. It is generally not intended to be argumentative, overbearing or malicious. It is simply an honest, direct statement of what you are thinking. Assertive communication is a skill that can be learnt and developed with practice. Assertiveness is about standing up for yourself, believing in your opinions and your right to be heard and at the same time getting your needs met. But it is also about respecting the opinions and needs of others. Assertiveness does not mean getting what you want regardless of what other people need or want. It is about valuing yourself and valuing others and believing that you are equal to others - not superior or inferior - and have equal rights to be heard and respected. Assertiveness is the attitude that "I matter as much as you, and you matter as much as me." Assertiveness is about being neither a doormat nor a steamroller, but rather a respectful and respected person who values his/her own needs as well as those of others.

Aggressive communication, on the other hand, can be malicious and often demeaning to the other person. It is a hostile approach to communicating that attempts to bully or belittle others into seeing things your way. Aggressive communication usually contains judgments about, and final decisions for, others.

The non-assertive way

Non-assertive communication is the complete opposite of assertive communication. People who use this approach do not voice their opinions, and often hide their real feelings or thinking about a topic or situation. It can be an ineffective way to communicate because it does not present what is truly desired. It can be frustrating for both, the person speaking and the listener, because neither of them really acquire anything from the conversation.

When someone communicates effectively, they are able to send the message they intend to someone else without limiting the other person's ability to reply. If you use a non-assertive communication style, you really are not delivering your message to the other person. At the same time, if you use an aggressive style, you are not allowing yourself to hear what the other person has to say. They may also respond emotionally, which again limits communication.

Being able to communicate effectively does not come naturally for most people, as they need to develop an understanding of themselves and learn assertive skills. Even though it takes some time and effort to develop those skills, there is great incentive to learn and practice this mode of communication.

Three different styles -

Passive

A person with a passive interpersonal style may be easily intimidated by others and may believe that his/her rights and opinions are not as important as those of other people. Passive people are often shy and have difficulty saying "no" when asked to do a favour. They also tend to be overly courteous and might do just about anything to avoid a fight, argument or disagreement. A passive person may get angry when someone violates their rights, but they aren't likely to stand up for themselves directly. This may leave them feeling exploited, taken advantage of, or abused. Passive people may become depressed or anxious because they fear others getting angry with them. They may also be well aware of their passive style and become angry with themselves for not being able to stand up for their rights. Some people in this category may become passive-aggressive, that is, they won't stand up to someone directly, but they'll talk about them behind their back or do little things to subtly convey their anger and get revenge. They may be intimidated by authority and have a hard time dealing with people in power. Passive people may rarely get what they want or need. However, it is important to note that in some situations in which there is potential danger, it is appropriate to behave passively to protect yourself.

Aggressive

The person with an aggressive interpersonal style behaves very differently than the person with a passive style. Here the person believes that their rights, opinions and needs are more important than those of others and they may violate others' rights and boundaries in an effort to get what they want. People like this may be verbally and/or physically aggressive. The aggressive person is essentially sending the message of "I matter more than you do, so get out of my way." Aggressive people are likely to be demanding, angry, and hostile in getting to their goal and may not realise that they hurt others in the process. They are at a higher risk to alienate others through their hostile behaviour or to get into fights and arguments. Some aggressive people will say that they are just standing up for their rights, but there is a difference between standing up for yourself and walking all over everyone else. In the end, they may not get their needs met due to their offensive style or can also have others avoiding them.

Assertive

The assertive style is the middle ground between being passive and aggressive. The assertive person does not give the message that "You matter more than me" or that "I matter more than you." Instead, they give the message that "We are equals, both our needs matter, let's find a way to get them both met." The assertive person expresses his/her opinions freely, is not afraid to state his/her requests, and stands up for him/herself when others try to violate his/her rights, but all of this is done in a respectful manner. They do not demand, but rather ask, do not withdraw, but stand his/her ground. He or she understands that other's feelings, opinions and rights are important, but does not place them either above or below his/her own.

An example of the three styles

X is waiting in a long line at the bookstore. Just ahead of him is another person, carrying a large load of books, who steps into the line next to his friend.

Passive response: X is upset that the other student cut ahead, but does not say anything because X does not want to be rude. Instead, he fumes about it and later tells his friends about this incredibly rude guy at the bookstore.

Aggressive response: X yells at the guy, "Hey, you! Can't you see there's a line here? What's your problem - do you think you're so special that you don't have to wait in a line?"

Assertive response: X speaks to the other person in a firm, but respectful tone and says, "Excuse me, but there's a long line here. I don't think it's fair for you to cut ahead when the rest of us have been waiting. Could you please go to the end of the line?"